As you're probably aware 2020 has meant there is a lot of changes happening all over the world. 2020 has certainly been a huge eye-opener for many people. Many people have lost jobs, loved ones, friends and mental health has been terribly affected. What's more, nobody knows much about covid-19 as things keep changing as Time Goes On.
So how 2020 lockdown affected me how's my life changed and what's gone on?
When it All Started
At the start of lockdown, I was actually in a relationship, things had been bit Rocky and there was a lot of things going on in my life at that time. I kept questioning whether or not we would make it or if we should have even been together. We felt so distant and I felt like He wasn't really in it, and had been feeling that way for a while. When we were told we have to isolate, obviously naturally asked if he would come and stay with us, being a single parent two children with disabilities would not be easy. My boyfriend at the time lived on his own so I just thought it was natural for him to come and live with us for a while, he would occasionally stay on weekends or when he had time off work, so seemed a simple request, but I guess we weren't a family, if that is what you call it nowadays, he's not my children's fathers, we had only been dating about a year or so. In the past few months, he had been really distant, however, I just assumed that because he had a lot going on in his life was why. I also thought things were moving forward, as we had planned to live together and get married. So as we went into a lockdown I accepted that my boyfriend was going to live at his and I would stay at mine with the kids, at some point of things might get back to normal and I would spend time with him again on the weekends, once all this was done.
Being Lonely
However, as time went on this didn't happen, times where lonely. My brother did come and stay with me for a while as he needed somewhere to stay and was helping without with the kids and trying to keep on top of things. Anyone who knows me knows I've suffered from anxiety and depression in the past.Covid-19 started bringing out my depression and anxiety all over again, I tried to go out and walk but I'd normally end up walking for 10 miles or more, I would then overeat and I was gaining weight, I felt so alone and miserable. also, I had a lot of pressure because my youngest son was ill most of the time and in and out of the hospital and still sharing a room with me. I felt like I had no time to myself, no one to talk to, nowhere to go and no escape from the craziness of the outside world. Covid - 19 really showed me how alone I actually was.
Ending It All
When we are able to form a support bubble with one other person, I had a talk with my boyfriend still struggling with my depression, anxiety and eating disorder, that I asked my boyfriend if he still saw a future with me, this is mainly because I was the first women he had been with who had children, the first women who weren't working, and my situation is not of a "normal" single parent, I have 2 special needs children, and at that time my youngest had been in and out of the hospital from the day I met my boyfriend when he was just 3months old. Some of our first dates wherein the hospital where I spent a week and a bit. Life was still as crazy as it had been when we met, I was still sharing a room with him, he wasn't even 2 yet. So things in the relationship were hard as we were dealing with a baby still. So like anyone I had insecurities especially as he hadn't wanted to be here for me. He claimed he did want a relationship with Me still and we formed a bubble, however, it became obvious when he ended things a few days later that this was not what he wanted. This wasn't a huge shock to me because I've been feeling alone for a very long time. I felt like something wasn't right for so long and I kept trying to seek reassurance to be told things were fine when I knew they weren't. I doubt I'm not the only one who would have gone through a breakup during this crazy period. Yes, the breakup was a shock, I wasn't expecting it. However, I have learnt that obviously, things weren't right for a while because I wouldn't have been seeking the reassurance that I was. It's been a number of months now since the Break-Up and I can honestly say that my life is no different than it was when I had a boyfriend apart from the occasional time we went out. Things would properly have been different once my brother had moved out, and the youngest was put in his own room and started going to sleep by 6pm, as its meant I have had more me-time. I have accepted that this my life and this is what is best for me and the children.
Learning About Myself
During this time during covid-19 I have learned a lot about myself, I do have an eating disorder I overeat, eating the wrong things. I have become stressed and anxious and depressed, this means I'm likely to order takeaways to make sure the children have been fed. I've been struggling with sciatica which has limited my mobility and I have lost 50% of usage in my right leg. I am currently awaiting help for this but I have had physiotherapy which hasn't helped. I'm an independent person, and while I would like to be with someone I don't need them. I think this is the difference and things that people don't like when in a relationship is a lot of men feel like they're needed however I want to be with somebody, who I don't need but I want to be with. I also want to be in a relationship with someone who can help me around the house, with tasks like DIY or Decorating.
How It's Affected My Children
This lockdown has also bought out a lot of issues for my older son. He hasn't currently returned to school and we're awaiting professional help and advice. I'm sure he's not the only 15-year-old with mental health problems depression and anxiety. Dorset Mind has been a great help. Finding information on supporting children with depression and anxiety can be hard. When I spoke to my GP she didn't know what to do, so I took to the internet and found Dorset mind. It's hard for him as he has a history of anxiety and depression, and has ADHD and atypical autism so he struggles daily.
Along with all the stress from my older son I've also been dealing with a lot of stress for my youngest son who even though we've been in throughout covid, other than exercise he has had a few hospital appointments. we have had test back from genetic testing, DLA awarded, extra funding from the council for nursery, learning programmes at nursery put into place and we're currently having help from a portage worker and paediatrics and have a big meeting coming up. So far have been told that he had delays in all areas.
Being a Single Parent
Being a single parent and having to deal with not only my mental health but to children who were dependent on me, has been extremely hard and stressful. It has highlighted to me that I am alone and that me the children and my cats are all I have. My mother my sister and my brother try and do all they can but they have their own lives as they should and my mother will not be around forever. The only thing keeping me sane during this lockdown has been Facebook chat, and a group of wonderful people at SMILE Connect which is a lovely group of single-parent families in Bournemouth, Poole and Christchurch area, It's run by Faithworks. It has really helped especially when I was struggling in the first lockdown with food for the children and had help with food parcels and the lovely people at cook food also helped out. I received a lovely surprise of easter eggs and even Christmas gifts that I was not expecting. I have also been lucky to be gifted a Yellow food bag to help get the kids engaged in cooking activities, and at Christmas got a bag to make a yule log. Smile Runs activities and meet up's for single parents, and I have attended a ZOOM meet and also a park meets up during these times. I hope soon, I will be able to attend more.
Another Lockdown
We've just started Another lockdown, Its the new year, everyone's mental health not just mine and my family's but people from all around the world have been severely affected. Everyone is in limbo, no one knows what they should really be doing apart from staying in, so where will the few weeks months or even a year lead, some people may lose more jobs and more people might be affected by suicide, homelessness, relationship breakdowns and money issues. It is important to make sure you're checking your neighbours as they may not have anyone, even if its just offering eggs, bread or checking if they're on a metre and if they need £5 also topped up on it, especially as we've come into winter please make sure people have enough warmth and heating in their homes. Remember to be kind to yourself and others. Most importantly Keep Safe.
Do you want some tips on how to find childcare while covid 19 is going on, then click here to find out more.
If you want better sleep then I recommend a read off Adventures begin at home's blog click here to read her post.
Have a Teenager and whos gained weight click here to find out ways to help them.
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